The Disposable Friend

Loyal…and Disposable

So, I’ve seen the movie Bad Moms and I thought it was great. In fact, I thought it was hysterical.  I think the thing that made that movie so great was the fact that it was just so damn….relatable.  We’ve all been there.  The rushing. The people pleasing. The household circus.  The doing-too-much.  And what remains so consistent among it all?  Just about every mother could see themselves as one of the three main characters or as a blend of each of them.  I loved how the three main women came together through thick and thin and became loyal friends – (not disposable!).

But there was another side to the movie that wasn’t so funny that showcased how some females continue to treat one another…or put another way…disposable friends.

I’ve never really had a hard time making friends.  I make them easily, in fact, and I tend to keep my friends for life.  Loyalty is so critically important and I’ve often seen friends as an extension of family; perhaps many of us do.

Has the definition of friendship changed?

I’ve come to a place in the ‘soccer mom age’ of my life, (and I apologize ahead of time for that phrase, but it’s the one I’m going with – and I mean no harm) where I’ve begun to notice that women aren’t looking for loyalty or friendships – at least how I’ve always known it.

They seem to be searching for something far more superficial and self-serving.  I see mothers and wives with the weight of the world in their eyes and forced smiles. I see grown women, like children,  trying so hard to prove their belonging, as they burn both ends of the stick and eventually burn and churn through the people in their lives.

I’m not exactly sure what it’s all about.  It’s a rather new phenomenon, that I am aware that I’m witnessing.  I can’t say that I saw a lot of this when my children were younger, or before I even had children.  Sure, there were always ‘mean girls’ and that exists no matter what, no matter the age – but this increase of hostile treatment OF women BY (middle aged) women is new to me.  And it’s prevalent.  I see it everywhere.  It’s happened to me and I’ve witnessed the same treatment toward other women.

Out of the mouths of babes.

Not too long ago, I was getting my nails done.  Every few years or so, I go through a phase and keep them up for a while, and then I realize how expensive and time-consuming it is, and I give it up.  But this was during one of my nail phases.  (For what it’s worth, I’m currently in my “I’ve-given-up-on-my-nails-phase.”)

The manicurist and I had built a pretty good rapport over the months and she had become rather candid with me.  She was in her early twenties, articulate and intuitive.  We would often swap stories and laughs.

One day, she shared how difficult it is when some of the ‘soccer moms’ come in to get their names done.  I asked her about it and reminded her, while we laughed, that I was also the same age as these ‘soccer moms’.  We both had a good laugh at the silly generalization and discussed how so many middle-aged women seem to turn and become so mean-spirited, when they once might not have been.  She talked about how some of these women can be belittling and behave entitled and look down upon the employees.

But instead of staying upset, she seemed to understand why.  She explained that it was obvious to her that many of these women were simply miserable in their lives and marriages and were just plain…stuck in the circumstances of their lives .  I found her synopsis striking.  …Out of the mouths of babes.

Her explanation resonated with me and I carried it around like a marble in my mind for quite some time.

Could this be why women aren’t as good at being friends as they once were in their younger years?

Are more middle-aged women just plain more miserable than their younger selves?

Mean girls…or mean women….it stinks.

The trust that is broken between two women is a hurtful one – a different pain than that between a man and a women.  It’s not worse, but it’s different.  When one female friend disposes of another and it’s not clear why – it feels like such a betrayal of trust. That betrayal of sisterhood is a different kind of carnal pain.

These deep divides are often sloughed off as the business of our lives, but the intent is clear: middle-aged female disposal is a thing – and  it stinks.

I think the middle-aged woman needs to not hate herself or her female counterparts.  When she treats the world around her this way, she is mistreating herself.

She needs to get out of her own way….get UNSTUCK….dispose of the misery she’s built inside herself, instead of treating people and life as a disposable wasteland.

Life is precious.  Life is fast.   Life isn’t disposable.  And neither are people.