What is a victim? Specifically, what comes to your mind when you conjure up an image of an abused woman of domestic violence? If we are talking about a woman of domestic abuse, what characteristics must she possess?
The case of Amber Heard and Johnny Depp has me, what feels like, in the minority. But it’s not because of any historic feelings I have toward Depp or Heard. I really don’t have any personal feelings toward them at all. Sure, Johnny Depp is no doubt a talented actor of my generation. And Amber Heard, an actress in her own right, perhaps lesser-known, but also with her own success.
They were married. They divorced. It was tumultuous.
She writes about her experience with domestic abuse, without specifically naming him. He sues for defamation.
The court rips her apart and she ends up owing more than she can pay. The public rips her apart. Social media rips her apart. They call her a liar. People don’t like her.
This is the part I want to talk about.
You don’t have to like her. You can even hate her. But she can still have been abused.
Yes, you read that correctly. Santa doesn’t need to be white. Jesus might have had dark skin. And victims of domestic abuse are imperfect.
In our collective minds, we expect victims to look and behave a certain way. She must need rescuing, she’s a damsel in distress. She’s someone who always goes the extra mile for everyone and never asks for anything in return. She’s a tireless mother, the ideal friend, daughter, and generous neighbor.
But what happens if she doesn’t fit into those ideals? (And who is that perfect, by the way, anyhow?) What if she’s a little loud? Overweight? Or dresses risque? Or gets caught in a lie sometimes? Does she have to be perfect in order to be a victim of abuse?
The answer is no, for you in the back.
Misogyny is not just a male problem. It belongs to all of us. Females included.
When a victim doesn’t fit the narrative of our sexist ideals, we use all of her imperfections – imagined or real – against her to convince the world that she can’t possibly have been abused. And people – men and women – eat it up. People say she’s acting. Isn’t her ex-husband an even more successful actor? Why didn’t I hear about his acting on the stand? Oh, that’s right. He’s likable. He’s her victim. He’s…wait, what? Oh, that’s right…he’s a MAN.
We live in a world where power has lived with men for so long that no matter how much change comes along, we are conditioned with this bias in our daily lives. And ultimately, he won. Of course, he did.
I get mad at myself for being hopeful that I could live in a world that would allow women to live, behave, be ruled, and judged outside of these small, sexist, hateful boxes. To allow us to truly live safely and freely. This would never be allowed to happen to a man or his body.
His female attorney used all these ‘non-victim-ideals’ with the non-sequestered jury to their benefit with a (whether intentional or not) misogynistic culture to win.
And we are, as a culture, misogynistic. We hate women. And it needs to be examined and stopped.
We only pretend to like women when they fit into our small, powerless ideals and when men still get to be big and powerful.
It’s conditional. Once women are louder or unlikable, unfeminine, (however that may be defined at the moment), not rescuable – whatever it is that moves the power away from the man and closer to the woman – we, as a misogynistic culture – we don’t like that.
That’s why Johnny won.
Congratulations Team Johnny! Choke on it.
